It’s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

A London Lawyer And An Irish Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish   cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? “

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole

There is no such thing as a friendly wager.

The six stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches from the hole.

Don’t play with anyone who would question a 7.

It’s as easy to lower your handicap as it is to lower your hat size.

If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and ten miles backwards.

One good shank deserves another.

It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.

No golfer ever swung too slowly.

No golfer ever played too fast.

One birdie is a hot streak.

No matter how badly you are playing, its always possible to play worse.

Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right.

Any change works for three holes.

The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the people watching.

Never teach your wife to golf.

Never play your son for money.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.

It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

Confidence completely evaporates in the presence of fairway water.

It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.

It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.

The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

The rake is always in the other trap.

The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dog-leg to the right.

The rough will be mowed tomorrow.

The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch tree branch 90% of the time.

Out of bounds is always on the right for right handed golfers.

The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.

No one with funny head covers ever broke par except Tiger Woods.

The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.

Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

No matter how far the shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.

If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it’s probably because you’re not aiming at anything.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can’t learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn that fact.

I dialed a number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
**************************************************
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!”
**************************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,” send me a brother.” Santa wrote back, “SEND ME YOUR MOTHER.”
**************************************************
What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
************************************************
What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
* Stress is when wife is pregnant,
* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
* Panic is when both are pregnant.
**************************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, “Are all these kids yours?”*
The man replies, “No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints.”
**************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?” Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential.”
**************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year…
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom” he asked, “are these my brains?” “Not yet,” she replied.

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority – figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off of.”

The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.  “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning – golf course or intercourse?”  She said, “Don’t forget your hat.”

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him.
I shouted – “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing, then said,
“That’s gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
______________________________ __________

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” she replies.
“Occupation?
“No, just here for a few days.”
______________________________ __________

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral,
A voice from inside screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
“Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”
______________________________ __________

“Jesus Loves You.”
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
______________________________ __________

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
______________________________ __________

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, “Darling, you’re shaking, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen!” I said, “That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel.”
______________________________ __________

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. 

The Sergeant doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six  extremists, and a rabbit”

The man being interviewed asks, “Why the rabbit?”

“Excellent” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates ~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected ~ Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office ~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.~ Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.~ Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.~ Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.~ Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.~ John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.~ Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country ~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.~ Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.~ Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators.~ Will Rogers~

A bonus and one of my favorites – Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain-

I’m only sending this to the brightest of my SENIOR and almost senior friends. New Senior’s Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass. 

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats? 

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 

7) What was King George VI’s first name? 

8) What color is a purple finch? 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.  

Check your answers below …. 

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 

2) Which country makes Panama hats?Ecuador 

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 

7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert 

8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course) 

What do you mean, you failed? Me, too!  (And if you try to tell me you passed, you is fibbin) Pass this on to your brilliant friends.