You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Or…….

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

Or…….

You can retire to New York City where…

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan …
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5.  You’ve worn out a car horn. ( IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

Or…….

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen  recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter,  and road repair.
6. 6. The highest level of criticism is  “He is different, she is different or It was different!

Or…….

You can retire to the Deep South where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everywhere is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonde”..

Or…….

You can retire to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the daycare center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

Or…….

You can retire to the Nebraska where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at.

FINALLY,  or you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Fast Food

If you don’t pass this along, a dog will visit your computer!

Oops…guess you didn’t send it fast enough!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a ranch, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy.

Look at the picture. This has to be about the saddest looking kid.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “You gonna tell him or should I?”

THIS GUY IS A CANADIAN FROM NEWFOUNDLAND

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor  Store. 

I  placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I  stopped at the service station where an (almost drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde)  chic filling up her car at the next pump. It  was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. 

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.  With  her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a  sexy voice, “  I’m a big believer in barter. Would you be interested in trading sex for  beer?”  

I  thought for a few seconds and asked her 

…..  “What kind of beer you got?

Have a beautiful, happy day!

DEAR DIARY – DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter – The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip. It will be my first one – and I can’t wait!
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DEAR DIARY – DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today —seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY – DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR DIARY – DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
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DEAR DIARY – DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship… I was shocked.
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DEAR DIARY – DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives. – Twice

1966: Long hair
2016: Longing for hair

1966: KEG
2016: EKG

1966: Acid rock
2016: Acid reflux

1966: Moving to California because it’s cool
2016: Moving to Arizona because it’s warm

1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1966: Seeds and stems
2016: Roughage 

1966: Hoping for a BMW
2016: Hoping for a BM 

1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2016: Receiving a new hip joint

1966: Rolling Stones
2016: Kidney Stones 

1966: Screw the system
2016: Upgrade the system

1966: Disco
2016: Costco 

1966: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2016: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1966: Passing the drivers’ test
2016: Passing the vision test 

1966: Whatever
2016: Depends

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot…

Could you give me some tips?’ he asked.

The old man said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high – tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’

‘Sure will’

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

‘That’s terrific!’ said the cowboy. ‘Got any more tips?’

‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

‘You bet it will,’ said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.’

Some “Intellectual” musings to ponder

I had amnesia once — or twice.
*****
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
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I am neither for nor against apathy.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
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What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
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They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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One nice thing about egotists … they don’t talk about other people.
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My weight is perfect for my height … which varies.
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I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.
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The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
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How can there be self-help groups?
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
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Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?