ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (N.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (N), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (N.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

A young guy from MINNESOTA moves to ARIZONA and goes to a big “everything under one roof’ department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” 

The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota .” 

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” 

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. “How many customers bought something from you today?” 

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. 

The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.” 

The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?” 

The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65”. 

The boss, astonished, says “$101,237.65?!? What the hell did you sell him?” 

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.” 

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”  

The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’ 

And remember. A woman always has the last word in an argument. Anything after that is the start of the next argument.

Yes, Good Party?

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the “Piano Player Wanted” sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

“I’d like to apply for the job,” he said. “I was a Navy Sea Wolf pilot, flying Huey`s in support of the Navy SEALS, spec war operators back in ‘Nam, but when they retired the Sea Wolves, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officers’ Club happy hours, so here I am.”

The barkeep wasn’t too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try…..?

The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn’t a dry eye in the place. 

The bartender took the old Sea Wolf pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It’s called “Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I’m Going Balls To The Wall For You”, he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, “I wrote it myself.” 

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Sea Wolf pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, “Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.”

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, “Spread ’em Baby, It’s Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline”, excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, “Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?”

“Know it?” the old fighter pilot replied, “Hell, I wrote it!”

The Woodpecker Might have to go!

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Don’t take life so seriously!

DANCE

KISS A LOT!

RELAX IN NATURE
HAVE FUN

AND BE HAPPY!!!!

Make sure you scroll all the way down and read what is written. Today is International Disturbed People’s Day. Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend… Just as I’ve done.

I don’t care if you lick windows,

Take the special bus

Or occasionally pee on yourself.

You hang in there, sunshine, you’re special.

Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

Today’s Message of the Day is:

Life is short,

Break the rules,

Forgive quickly,

Kiss slowly,

Love truly,

Laugh uncontrollably,

And never regret anything that made you smile.

Send to all the people you care for and don’t want to lose in 2017  even me. If you get 3 back, you are a great friend.

If you can read this, thank a teacher, if you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.are

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first, she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.” 

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says: “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.

Earl spits overboard, takes a long slow sip of beer and says “Better think it over – women like that are hard to find.”

Marine General and Defense Secretary-designate James “Mad Dog” Mattis has a huge bear rug lying in his living room. “The thing is that the bear isn’t dead – he’s just afraid to move.”

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl Game in Houston.  He has a luxury suite reserved at the stadium, plus airline tickets valid from any US airport, a hotel suite, and tickets to attend two pre-game parties.  

However, he somehow failed to realize that the game is scheduled for the same day as his wedding.  So he can’t go.

If you’re interested, and if you’d like to go, instead of him, it’s at St. Peter’s Church, in New York City, at 5:00 pm. Her name is Louise.  She’s 5’4″, about 125 lbs., a good cook and makes $180,000 a year as a stockbroker. She’ll be the one in the white dress.

Let me know if you are interested.

Graham, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex. He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room. 

He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing?’ 

The prostitute replies, ‘Well Graham, ya old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’ 

‘Three knots?’ he asks. ‘ What’s that supposed to mean?’ 

She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.’