Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .”A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood!”

Very rare picture of the planets aligned.

Some of the best sleep I ever got was in a deer blind

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

 Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily — if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week.”

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it?

The most famous artist for this type of saucy postcards was Donald McGill. He was nearly 80 years old when he was put on trial (1954) under the Obscene Publications Act, found guilty and fined. Today the postcards are worth a fortune.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. 

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. 

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.

‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’ 

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, ‘Watch this.’ 

He told Sniffer to ‘search’.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.

The Policeman said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the man and said, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 

‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man. 

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.

The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’

‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again. 

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop on the seat. 

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on?’ 

The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’

Ten Things To Ponder

Number 10 – Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 – Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6 – Some people are like a Slinky–not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 – Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800, and a substantial tax cut save you $30?

Number 2 – In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 – Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers–what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

– – – and as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age–
it doesn’t last that long.”

I think it was Art Linkletter that said “Kids Say The Darndest Things” and later there was a TV show with Bill Cosby. The items below prove the point.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight, testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )
2. Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3. If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t, have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend anymore. (Kylie, age 6)
5. A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
   pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
   the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would
   whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been
   better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8. Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
   and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get
   pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9. I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
   crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
   pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
    give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
    think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age
    7)
11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
    my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
    can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky,
    age 8)
13. On vacation, my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
    going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired
    right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown
    I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
    What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
    (James, age 7)