And The Winner Is!

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning.  It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. Parish.  He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . A donkey lying dead in the  middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the White House . The conversation went like this:

“Good morning. This is Donald Trump,  How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself .    This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple  o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Trump , considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the  good father, replied, “Well now Father, it was always my  impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line  for a moment . . . . Father O’Malley then replied:  “Aye,’ tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”

ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend’s Funeral
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can’t Get Up
CR: Can’t Remember
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DTAF: Don’t Trust A Fart
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
FYI: For Your Indigestion.
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
GTG: Got the Gout
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHMO: In My HMO…
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
JK: Just Kvetching
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor
MILF: Meal I’d Like To Forget
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped In My Pants
ROFL CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing, and Can’t Get Up
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
TGIF: Thank Goodness It’s Four (Four O’Clock – Early Bird Special)
TLC: Totally Lost Continence
TOT: Texting on Toilet
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
WTF: Wet the Floor
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

* You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.

* You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.

* You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

*You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.

* You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” That’s Facebook.

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That’s Bill Clinton.

* You didn’t mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement of $88,000. That’s America!

EXHAUSTIPATED ….. IT MEANS YOU’RE TOO TIRED TO GIVE A SHIT.

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. ‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. ‘What are my choices?’ John asked. ‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’  The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2014!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

A few days ago I opined on the Electoral College and a portion of that post is below. 

As is typical, we once again hear “We should eliminate the Electoral College and have Presidential elections decided by the popular vote”. This selection process seems to me is just another example of the wisdom of our founding fathers. Where each state gets a proportionate representation in the House of Representatives, with at least one congressperson, but each state receives two senators regardless of the population. These balance the inherent bias toward the states with the larger populations with the need to provide a “Place At The Table” for states with smaller populations.

The beat goes on with some continuing to advocate for the direct election of the President. To show the fallacy in this proposition lets look at a logical extension. Rather than our current allocation of Congresspersons and Senators what if they were allocated on a strict population basis. With no guarantee of the current one Congressperson and two Senators, a number of our smaller states would have NO representation. While the intelligentsia would probably not have any issues with those in what is euphemistically referred to as “Fly Over Land” not being represented my guess is that many would. I am sure that some would insist that this is “different” but it is not. Both are examples of our forefathers working to avoid the “Tierney of the Majority”. Think about it? If all offices, both the President and Congress, were strictly allocated based on population winning in only a few states would allow one faction or the other to control the entire government. Granted we are not all that far away now, but at least there is some protection. By example, the population in the ten most populous states comprises 54.2% of the total USA population according to 2015 data, meaning that the remaining 40 states could be left out in the cold. One only needs to think about two Senators; Tom Daschle and John Thune, both from the small state of South Dakota, that might well be unrepresented if all congressional seats were apportioned on population. Had that been the case we, the USA, would have lost the intelligence and talent these two brought to the fold. By the way, one is a Democrat and the other a Republican.

While I am at it, I might as well throw another log on the fire. Term Limits are long overdue! Our Forefathers envisioned a citizen legislature, not an installed ruling class. However, looking at the current makeup of both the House and Senate we find it filled with career politicians with incumbency almost guaranteeing re-election. My proposal is that no one ever runs for re-election. One four-year term for the House and one eight-year term for the Senate. Just think, rather than working on their re-election on the first day of the term they might have time to actually get something done without the influence of those outside forces needed for reelection.