I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing.

Great mental exercise for us aging folks.

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1.  Monica Lewinski

2.  Bill Clinton

3.  Hilary Clinton

4.  Adolph Hitler

5.  Jorge Bergoglio

6.  Joseph Stalin

7.  Vladimir Putin

8.  Linda Lovelace

9.  Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods 

You had trouble with #5? You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope?

A Little More Humor

Mark and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Mark says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering.have you ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh Mark, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question.”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please.”

“Well, all right. Yes, three times.” she admitted.

“Three? Well, when were they?” he asked.

“Well, Mark, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number two?” he asked.

“Well, Mark, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself,  and then you were in good shape again?” she said.

“I can’t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me. I couldn’t be more moved.

So, all right then, when was number three?” he asked, racking his brain.

“Well, Mark, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?”

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. 

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational speaking tone to see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

Then in a normal tone, he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next, he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her… “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

(I just love this)  

“Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, it’s chicken”

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.  Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Ellie, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t. 


2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 


3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 


4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.  


5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck -is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think , and forget to start again?

16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.  


18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?  


20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 


21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.  


22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!  


23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.  


24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs… A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true) 

27. The trouble with life is there’s no back ground music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 


29. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!   
Life is too short and friends are too few!