After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I’ll have to go along on many more shopping trips?

I dialed a number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

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Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!”

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A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,” send me a brother.” Santa wrote back, “SEND ME YOUR MOTHER.”

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What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
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What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?

* Stress is when wife is pregnant,

* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

* Panic is when both are pregnant.
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A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, “Are all these kids yours?”*
The man replies, “No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints.”
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A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?” Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential.”

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Nominated as the best short joke this year…

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom” he asked, “are these my brains?” “Not yet,” she replied.

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want. And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

“What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

The story is not true but it is worth reading for the last line.

Manure… An interesting fact.

 Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.  Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! 

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening 

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ‘ Stow high in transit ‘ on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this “volatile” cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ‘ S.H.I.T ‘ , (Stow High In Transit) ,…………. “So it’s really not a swear word” which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. 

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I

I had always thought it was a golfing term

The New Alphabet :
A is for apple, and B is for boat. That used to be right, but now it won’t float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now The Alphabet:

A’s for arthritis; B’s the bad back, C’s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line! F is for farting and fluid retention, G is for gut droop, which I’d rather not mention.

H high blood pressure–I’d rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L ‘s for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don’t grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know..

W for worry, now what’s going ’round? X is for X-ray, and what might be found. Y for another year I’m left here behind, Z is for zest I still have– in my mind!

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed, And I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

HAVE A GREAT DAY !

FAMOUS INVENTIONS – The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS – When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, ‘I’m not going down in dere yust for 50 cents.’

THAT’S HER! – A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, ‘Yep, dat’s her!’

VE COULDN’T AFFORD MORE – Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. “The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400″ said the first Norwegian. ” Vell ,” said the other one , ” At dat price it’s a good ting ve didn’t catch any more.”

THE RELATIONS – Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89.  One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. ” Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations? ” h e asked. ” Vell, Ole, I yust don’t know, ” replied Lena .” I don’t tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.”

MUSIC SOLUTION – Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.” ‘Oh,” said Ole, ” I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet. ” ” How come? ” asked Lars.” Vell,” Ole answered, ” because vith a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

THE PRANK CALL – The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers . ” Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here ” he saysand hangs up. ” Who vas dat? ” asks Lena . ” I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.

HONEYMOON TRIP – On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee. Giggling, Lena said, ” ‘Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to. ” So Ole drove to Duluth.

GO TO TOWN – Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria , Minnesota .  The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole’s said, “Ole…What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes?  You’re naked. ” “Yah, I know, ” said Ole . ” You see, I vas over to dat playboy Swen’s for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us.  Der vas boys and girls.”  ” Is that right? “, his policeman friend asked. ” Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, ‘Everybody get into the bedroom!’  So vee all go into the bedroom….where den he yells, ‘Everybody git naked!’ ‘Vel, vee all got undressed.  Den he yells, ‘Everybody go to town!’ And, well, I guess I’m the first one here. “

Acupuncture is a jab well done

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating – always use condiments

Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired

What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead give away

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it

Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under

Every calendar’s days are numbered

A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses