He was from da Minnesota… And he needed a loan.

So… He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from ND for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Minnesota, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

His name was Ole… .

Keep an eye on these Minnesota boys!

Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It’s all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It’s all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist  with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Don’t sweat the petty things.
Don’t pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”  And that, my friend, is the sad definition of “OLD”

#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied: “Two years older than me”.  “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.  She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

#4
I’ve sure gotten old!  I have outlived my feet and my teeth I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart??”  “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week”

#7
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

#9
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

#10
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER: 

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied, “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple filter?” asked the acquaintance.

“That’s right,” Socrates continued, “Before you talk to me about Diogenes let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.””All right,” said Socrates, “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.   Socrates continued, “You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?”

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die and arrive at the Pearly Gates on the same day.  They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said, “Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.” 

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. 

The Angel immediately said, “OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Dolly was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Dolly,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.”

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

“The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males and the male dormitory to the females.  

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

She continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.  Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.  Are there any questions?”

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:  “How much for a season pass?

Once again discrimination rears its ugly head...

Will it ever end?

Gotta Love Those Packer Fans!

What’s in a name?

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, what if Picabo is now a nurse currently working in an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital, she probably would not be permitted to answer the hospital telephones. Consider the confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

A good clean joke is hard to find these days –