A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.

Two o’clock and no hired hand.

Finally, he returned at around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off.” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.”

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

(P.S. – I didn’t see it coming either)

Is it a sin?
Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

The way you play, Sir, it’s a crime any day of the week!

What’s the line caddy
On the seventeenth of the Wentworth Club Course, a very careful player was studying the green. First, he got down on his hands and knees to check out the turf between his ball and the hole. Then he flicked several pieces of grass out of the way and getting up he held up a wet finger to try out the direction of the wind. Then turning to his caddie he asked:

“Was the green mowed this morning?”

“Yes, sir.” “Right to left or left to right?”

“Right to left, sir.”

The golfer putted… and missed the hole completely. He whirled on the caddie, “What TIME?”

The worst caddy
Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded.

“You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” he screamed.

“I doubt it,” replied the caddy. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Heaven & Earth
“I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,” sighed Mac, the golfer.

“Try heaven,” advised the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”  They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. 

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you!  What’ll it be, gentlemen?” There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.  

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.” The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. 

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please.” They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?” 

“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar.  Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place.  Every drink costs a dime.  Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”

“Wow!  That’s some story!” one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?” 

The bartender says, “They’re retirees from Florida.  They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they have coupons.”

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.  How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country 

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” asked the defendant.

“Oh no!” said the lawyer. “This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them,” said the lawyer.

“But I did send them,” said the defendant.

“What?? You did?”

“Yes, that’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.

“It’s easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS!  NO MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M  A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~Jean Kerr

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~  Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.  ~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very sceptical. ~ Warren Tantum

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hanwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Old Italian proverb