1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy,  it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

“The world could be divided between those who take hard things and make them easy, and those who take easy things and make them harder.”

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.  After 2 visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.  (I’m past 75). 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her: “Do you think I’ll live to be 85?”

She asked:  “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?”

“Oh no,”  I replied. “I don’t do any drugs, either!”

Then she asked:  “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said:  “Not much … My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t”, I said.

She asked:  “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No”, I said.

She looked at me and said:  “Then, why do you even give a shit?”

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.  About a week later he received a letter that his application had been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, sir, my name is Mac Tavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot:  Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.  And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.  But this is the first time I’ve heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Airport Full Body Scan Status Report
Finally, some useful facts are coming out of all those airport full body scans!

FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS
CATSA disclosed the following   Airport Screening Results

December 2014 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :

Terrorists Discovered –  0

Transvestites – 133

Hernias – 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases – 3,172

Enlarged Prostates – 8,249

Breast Implants -59,350

Natural Blondes – 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.

Thought you’d like to know.

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on  some soft background music,and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of  caviar, a bottle of spring-water and three cans of sardines.

When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.  He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.  Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing out the place.  Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house…The maid quit. Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later, even though they’d cut their price in half, they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband… they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?

1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII
2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson
3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown
4. George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown
5. If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. —Mark Twain
6. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. —Joseph Stalin
7. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.—George Carlin
8. 8.The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them. —Karl Marx
9. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown
10. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen
11. If you put your politicians up for sale, as the US does … then someone will buy them — and it won’t be you; you can’t afford them. —Juan Cole
12. Don’t buy a single vote more than necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide. —Joseph P. Kennedy
13. By the time a man gets to be presidential material, he’s been bought ten times over. —Gore Vidal
14. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. —J. O’Rourke
15. In a society governed passively by free markets and free elections, organized greed always defeats disorganized democracy. —Matt Taibbi
16. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. —George Carlin
17. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. —Winston Churchill
18. Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge. —Isaac Asimov
19. Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half. —Gore Vidal
20. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election. —Bill Vaughan
21. If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side. —Orson Scott Card
22. A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation. —James Freeman Clarke

PENSION SEX
Two men were talking.  ‘So, how’s your sex life?’ ‘Oh, nothing special. I’m having Pension sex.’ ‘Pension sex?’ ‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ‘I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.’ ‘My dear,’ the  shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.’ ‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me up!’

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’ She glanced at him and replied, ‘You’re never home!’

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small’, $6,500 for ‘medium’,  and $14,000 for ‘large.’ The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him o talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. ‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor. ‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary  The husband yelled, ‘When you die, I’m getting You a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.’

‘Yeah,’ she  replies, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’ ‘

WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, ‘This will make you happy tonight.’ He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo and found  her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, ‘Yes, your honor.  I figured that at 92 if he could have sex…he could also fly.’