Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant  neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which  are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons!!

One Monday morning, Shane the mailman was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

“Wow David looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” Shane commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”

Shane thought for a moment and said, “How do you play WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The mailman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun, I’m sorry I missed it.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded, “Your name came up 7 times.”

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale.  Only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.

“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife.

They carry on shopping.  A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”

That’s him, there in Aisle 5.

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.” Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”  The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh …………

  “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond  formed between a little 4-year-old girl & some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.  One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 4-year-old daughter naturally  took an interest in all the activity going on next Door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the  girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she  had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” 

The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin’ drywall.

My wife and I were married for 50 years. One day, I took a careful look at her and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

“Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for an elderly man who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”  “Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure am not,” said the calm as a clam man.

 “Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the man.

 More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied,  “Been married to your sister for over 40  years.”

A Twist! Would the story be more interesting if the man were Bill Clinton?

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,  “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’..”
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery     and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the     anesthesia,     he asked to speak  to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son;    do your best, and just remember,     if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true.I love to hear them say “you don’t look that old.”
———————————
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. (Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place  !!)
———————————
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why    I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way     and some of the roads weren’t paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
——————————-
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
*********
First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
““““““““
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I  wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a   coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?” The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,     blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’ To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,     — let’s look for yours.”
(ADORABLE)

*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
“Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!”

Now, if you feel this doesn’t apply to you  –  stick around awhile . . . it will !

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?

He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Don’t mess with old people