After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.

As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked:

“Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” the golfer responded.

“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”

“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.

“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield.”

“The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded… “I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”  

“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”

“And believe me Mr., as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.  “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.  They are over there under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high.”

C’mon…did you really think there was such a thing as a heart –warming lawyer story?

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” … that will bring on a “whatever”).

(8) Whatever : Is a woman’s way of saying ?@*!# YOU! ?

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it’s true. (This was written by a woman)

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised

He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney,and says, “Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens.”

So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit – and the cow farts. Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, “You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din’tyah?”

Ole is surprised since he hadn’t told Jimmy about his trip. Ole replies, “Yah, dats right. But how’d yah know?”

Jimmy says, “My wife’s from Nordakota.”

Moving fast is not necessarily the same thing as going somewhere.

*****

If you are waiting for your ship to come in – you may have already missed the boat.

*****

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

*****

Faith is our greatest gift. Sharing it with others is our greatest responsibility.

*****

The first step in overcoming mistakes is to admit to them.

*****

The best way to multiply happiness is to divide it.

*****

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don’t go hungry, you’re a moocher? – Jon Stewart

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. – Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. – Jay Leno

Asthma doesn’t seem to bother me any more unless I’m around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar. – Steve Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. – Tim Allen

Show me where Stalin is buried and I’ll show you a Communist Plot. – Edgar Bergen

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck. – Jeff Foxworthy

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. – Jeff Foxworthy

If you’ve ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck. – Jeff Foxworthy

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? – Jeff Foxworthy

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. – Johnny Carson

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe. – Benny Hill

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. – Alfred Hitchcock

As one that hesitates to read works either completed by someone other than the original author or where the characters are picked up by another, I was more than a little apprehensive about the new Vince Flynn book – The Survivor. I shouldn’t have been. As I understand it, Vince Flynn started this book prior to his passing away and Kyle Mills finished the book. Knowing that, and having read all of the earlier Vince Flynn – Mitch Rapp books, I could not discern any difference in the way the story flowed or how the characters were developed. While I don’t know where this goes from here, I would not hesitate to read a Mitch Rapp book totally written by Mills. If you are a Vince Flynn – Mitch Rapp – fan by all means get the book! Even is you have never read one of the books in the series you may want to start.

I am not so sure that if this book was not one of those “Read For Free” on Amazon if I would have acquired it, but this first book in a series by Viveca Sten proved worth while and I am glad I did.  Still Waters, is set on a idyllic Swedish vacation island of Sandhamn. During a walk on the beach with his dog a man finds two dead bodies. To complicate matters, the discovery occurred at the beginning of July – the traditional vacation time in Sweden when may on the police force are away. Thomas Andreasson the lead investigator dealing with his own demons – a child lost to SIDS and a divorce – works his way through sometimes bizarre relationships and events on the way to the solution. While the book, and the second one mentioned below, have a different tempo than traditional murder mysteries I found them refreshing reads that move smoothly.

The second book, Closed Circles, is set at the same and location in the same time-frame one year later and begins with a rather bizarre murder where the captain of a sailing boat is shot dead while at the wheel of his craft at the exact time the starters gun begins the annual regatta. Again Thomas Andreasson leads the investigation and us, the readers, through ever changing circumstances and possible suspects. While the ending to many a book has it’s surprises this one could well stand at the top.

Both books come with a high recommendation. The author, Viveca Sten, is a well regarded Swedish author and I look forward to reading more of her offerings.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight. – Milton Berle

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six. – Yogi Berra

I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four. -Yogi Berra

He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious. – Yogi Berra

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. – Phyllis Diller

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. – Red Skelton

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable. – Jackie Gleason

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. – Robin Williams

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. – George Burns