Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

I don’t approve of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.

Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.

If you are not part of the solution, you’re probably running for President.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa’me) was attending a great athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name. In those days, the athletes performed naked (believe it or not).

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: “Oh! Limp pricks!”

Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into “Olympics”.

Just thought I’d share this new found knowledge with you.

You’re very welcome

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.  The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money’.

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for your new 20 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

HE paid for your Packer season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!’

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do’?

The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.  The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me!

“The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down. 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?

” The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick”.

A man from Topeka Kansas decided to write a book about, “churches”.  He started, by flying to San Francisco and started working east.  Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He saw a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read, “Calls: $10,000 a minute”. Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.

The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Virginia, upon entering a church in Wytheville, VA, behold – he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the sign read calls 35 cents.’

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. ‘Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches, the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?’

I love this part……………………….

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, “son”, you’re in the south now. This is, “God’s country”, It’s a local call.’

American by birth – A Southerner by the grace of God!

In my roaming around on different websites and the newsletters that I receive, once in a while something really pops out. In an article on the decline of the dinosaurs, I was amazed that less time separates us from Tyrannosaurus than separates Tyrannosaurus from another dinosaur family!

The focus on the extinction event also obscures the breathtakingly long nature of the dinosaurs’ reign. It invites us to think that all the dinosaurs we’re familiar with were around at the same time, and then suddenly they weren’t. That’s not true: as Brian Switek says, less time separates us from Tyrannosaurus than separated Tyrannosaurus from Stegosaurus. If anything, Sakomoto’s study, in revealing the dinosaurs’ slow decline, reminds us about just how long they ruled for—a period of 180 million years, during which many species came and went.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: “Are – My – Test – Results – Back?”