When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Your taxes are due again – enjoy paying them.
*You know how to polka, but never tried it sober
*You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.
*You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the church & reception.
*You know the difference between Green and Red farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!
*You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.
*You spent more on beer and liquor than you did on food at your wedding
*You hear someone use the word “oof-dah” and you don’t break into uncontrollable laughter.
*You or someone you know was a “Dairy Princess” at the county fair.
*You know that “combine” is a noun.
*You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.
*You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
*You know that “creek” rhymes with “pick”.
*Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.
*There was at least one, if not several, in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning.
*You have driven your car on the lake.
*You can make sense of “upnort,” “bat-tree” and “warrssh.”
*Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.
*Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
*The local gas station sells live bait.
*At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan & Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By “The Rev Jesse Jackson” & “The Rev Al Sharpton”
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
____________________________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
____________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
__________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell
______________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
_______________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
___________________________________________
MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And foreword by Tiger Woods with John Edwards
____________________________________________________
HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
___________________________________________________
AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
________________________________________________________
And the shortest book of them all…………………..
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama
There was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco recently. Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds. The group debated the problem and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper.”
But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted. “Oh, sorry about that.” She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
Kind of reminds you of Washington, D.C., doesn’t it?
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.
“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven…
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?
The devil smiles at him and says,
“Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted..”
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.
The Hedgehogs, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves, but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.
The moral of the story is:
Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was ‘Crazy’ and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, ‘What in the name of good GOD are you doing?’ I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out.’ Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.’
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, ‘And where do you think you’re going?!’
(You’re gonna love this….)
She said, ‘I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.
An elderly man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous blonde waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that just won’t quit comes to his table and asks him if he was ready to order
She said, “What would you like, sir?
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom then answers “A quickie.”
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks him again, “What would you like sir?”
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
“A quickie please.”
This time, her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding ‘SMACK’ that can be heard all over the restaurant and she storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
“Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche.’ ” !!
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