A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So, the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.’ .and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen & Maui, and a 10,000 acre winery in France. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.’

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contractions’ to first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, “Probably golfing with his buddies.”

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

An old cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Oklahoma, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Oklahoma, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

 

Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately – like illegal immigration, hurricane recovery and alligators attacking people in Florida.  Well …… not me — I concentrate on solutions for the problems — a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. 

* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. 

* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

And with that … three problems are solved!! 

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?  

If not — think about this:

     2. The Constitution 

     3. The Ten Commandments   

THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq …. why don’t we just give them ours?  It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.   

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this — you cannot post – “Thou Shalt Not Steal” – “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” — and “Thou Shall Not Lie” – in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians … it creates a hostile work environment.

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?	A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?	A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible… Is that true?  Where can it be found?	A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:  “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt…”
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?	A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?	A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?	A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 70 plus year old people use valet parking?	A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?	A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?	A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses?	A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?	A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor!

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.  Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: “So, how are things in Hell?”

Satan replies:  “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

“What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.”

“Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”

God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

1970s Pan Am airplane. Look at the room. Seats are wider and look much more comfortable than today.

United Airlines First Class circa 1970’s

Bcal DC-10 LGW-LAX July 1982 — Alastair Fleming

I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.

Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time, I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.

Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter I can and will do this.

Sincerely,

Every Senator or Congressman running for re-election

Are we stupid or what?