You might like to recall..October 3, 1950  “Peanuts” first debuted in seven newspapers under the United Features Syndicate. Developed by Charles M. Schulz, who was raised Lutheran in Minneapolis and Saint Paul, Minnesota, “Peanuts” ran for nearly 50 years and was published in 2,600 newspapers, 75 countries and 21 languages. The little red haired girl who was his first love, passed on him because her mother thought he would never amount to anything.

Take the time to look at these gems of wisdom from good old Charles Schultz………….wonderful. – These were truly wonderful times when things were based more on common sense.

MEMORIES

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ‘sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

• Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
• Ignition switches on the dashboard.
• Starter on the floorboard.
• Only one brake light on the left rear.
• Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
• Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
• Using hand signals for cars without turn signals .

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Candy cigarettes.
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephones
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels. If you had a TV!!
7. Pea-shooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. 8 rpm records
11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm
12. Metal ice trays with lever
13. Blue flashbulb
14. Cork popguns
15. Studebakers
16. Wash tub wringers
17. Little wax bottles with sweet liquid
18. Aluminum foil on the rabbit ears.

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell your age, &
If you remembered 11-16     =     You’re older than dirt!!!     THAT’S ME!!!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life .
Don’t forget to pass this along! Especially to all your really OLD friends

You Gotta Love Garfield’S Explanation 

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. 
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Well, there’s a very simple answer. 
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Nobody bothered to check the oil. 
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We just didn’t know we were getting low. 
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The reason for that is purely geographical. 
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Our OIL is located in: 
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Alaska
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California
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Coastal Florida
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Coastal Louisiana 
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Coastal Alabama 
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Coastal Mississippi 
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Coastal Texas 
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North Dakota
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Wyoming
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Colorado
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Kansas
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Oklahoma
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Pennsylvania
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Texas
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Tennessee and
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 Montana
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All Our dipsticks are located in DC

Tax return submitted by a New Jersey person. The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23: “Do you have anyone dependent on you?”, the man wrote: “2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians”.

On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”

The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: “Who did I leave out?”

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational invited readers to take any word from the  dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and  supply a new definition.

Here are the  winners: 

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,  which renders the subject financially impotent for an  indefinite  period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s  both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at  getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to  start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back  to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance  surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The  bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the  near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about  yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The  gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get  it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are  running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate  disease.  – (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really  bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a  serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of  getting through the day consuming only things that are good for  you.
13. All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they  come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The  frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a  spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a  mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and  cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you  turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning  submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings  for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The  person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj.  Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat  stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while  drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a  nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a  steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding  hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by  proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with  Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that,  after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck  there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer  shorts worn by Jewish men.

Bless her little heart. How sweet. The secret to long life.

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above: She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”

“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don’t exercise at all.

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Forty,” she replied.

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Cork. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.” The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said “Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?” “Sure” said the American, “30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros.”

“Grand so” replied the Irishman, “pour the pints and start the clock.” It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare. “Ok yank, pay up.” said the Irishman.

“I’m happy to pay, here is your money” said the American. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?’

The Irishman replied, “Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.”

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.  This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

“I doubt it”, said the truly proud Texan.  ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship   and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’ The bartender says ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says  ‘Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’  ‘Coming up’ says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says  ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says  ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.  As he gives her the drink, he says ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies  ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor… Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…. Your sweetie says ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’ and you answer:  ‘Pick one, I can’t do both!’

It’s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

A London Lawyer And An Irish Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish   cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? “