In the year 2020, the Lord ameunto Noah, who was now living in America and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.” “Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. “He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no ark. “Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed “I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.” “My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

“Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.” “I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.” “The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.

“Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.” Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?

“No,” said the Lord. “Your Government beat me to it.”

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. ~ Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying. ~ Woody Allen

If my film makes one more person miserable, I’ll feel I’ve done my job. ~ Woody Allen

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. ~ Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you. ~ Woody Allen

Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. ~ Woody Allen

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. ~ Woody Allen

I think universal harmony is a pipe dream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling. ~ Woody Allen

I don’t know enough to be incompetent. ~ Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. ~ Woody Allen

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. ~ Woody Allen

With my complexion I don’t tan, I stroke. ~ Woody Allen

I have no idea what I am doing. But incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm. ~ Woody Allen

Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it’s fantastic. ~ Woody Allen

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. ~ Woody Allen

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~ Woody Allen

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn’t for certain people. ~ Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. ~ Woody Allen

I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials. ~ Woody Allen

I’m a practicing heterosexual, although bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. ~ Woody Allen

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. ~ Woody AllenI believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government. ~ Woody Allen

Love is the answer. But while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen

Taste my tuna casserole – tell me if I put in too much hot fudge. ~ Woody Allen

80% of success is showing up. ~ Woody Allen

This year I’m a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole? ~ Woody Allen

I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. ~ Woody Allen

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all. ~ Woody Allen

I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy myself, but I didn’t. ~ Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. ~ Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness – I hope you’re getting this down. ~ Woody Allen

The most beautiful words in the English language aren’t ‘I love you’ but ‘it’s benign’. ~ Woody Allen

After the accident he was only able to communicate through the use of hand puppets. ~ Woody Allen (A personal favorite, though this is likely a paraphrase . . . )

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion. Smile😊

O x y m o r o n s

• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why does “slow down” and slow up” mean the same thing?
• Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
• Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
• Why do we sing “Take me out to the ballgame” when we are already there?
• Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
• Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected”make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a “wise man” and” wise guy” opposites?
• Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
• Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
• Christmas- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
• Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? I dunno, why do we?

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.” 

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies 

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. 

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars – A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. 

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample…. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.. 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco..” 

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. 

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results . 

The computer prints the following: 

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7) 

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours… Get a lawyer. 

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! 

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

No nursing home for me. I’ll be checking into a MARRIOTT! 

With the average cost for nursing home care being $275.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I’ve already checked on reservations at the FAIRFIELD. For a combined long-term-stay discount and senior discount, it’s $79.00 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. 

That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $10 worth of tips a day, you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. 

There’s a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. 

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Marriott will take your reservation today. And you’re not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Marriott to Marriott, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have COURTYARD there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. 

The Marriott has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.  If not, they’ll call an ambulance or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Marriott will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. 

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I’ll face it with a grin. 

AIDS WARNING!

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS! 

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS! 
Not forgetting HIV (Hair Is Vanishing)

I’m only sending this to my ‘old’ friends. I love to see you smile.