A Man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the

Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those  clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that? “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a  lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire  life.”

“Where’s (Insert Your Favorite) clock?” asked the man. “(Insert Your Favorite) clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

Editor’s Note: I was tempted to choose one of my favorites but the field is so fertile that I decided to let each of you make the selection.

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper. ”

The woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?” 

He paused a moment, then told her, “Vell…… M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”  

Now, that’s a businessman!

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat  left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.’

She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’

This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!’

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.’

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t.  So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, she attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! 
I don’t even know who you are!’

The Texan smiled and drawled, 
”Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped 
my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 

COMMITTEE: A body that takes minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie when the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell one person at a time.

TOMORROW: One of the most labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

1. THINGY  (thing-ee)  n.
Female – Any part under a car’s hood.
Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2.  VULNERABLE  (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female – Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male – Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION  (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female – The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male – Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-  mit-ment) n.
Female – A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male – Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT   (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female – A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male – Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE  (flach-u-lens) n.
Female – An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male – A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE   (may-king luv) n.
Female – The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male – Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL  (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female – A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male – A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;
He said – I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. She said – You wear pants, don’t you?

He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said – What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said – Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said – Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said – Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks
and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error
in the grade?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire
career”.

I spent last evening in the emergency room.  I got bored at home after golf, so I decided to take off and go horseback riding.  Something I haven’t done in a while…. maybe never.  It turned out to be a big mistake.  I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then went a little faster and before I knew it, I was going as fast as the horse could go.  I couldn’t take the pace and fell off but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse still going full speed.  It just wouldn’t stop.

Thankfully the manager at Walmart came out and unplugged the machine.  He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn’t attempt to ride the elephant.

Hope you’re not too bored, 😉🐎🐘