A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.  The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me!

“The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down. 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?

” The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick”.

A man from Topeka Kansas decided to write a book about, “churches”.  He started, by flying to San Francisco and started working east.  Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He saw a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read, “Calls: $10,000 a minute”. Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.

The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Virginia, upon entering a church in Wytheville, VA, behold – he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the sign read calls 35 cents.’

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. ‘Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches, the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?’

I love this part……………………….

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, “son”, you’re in the south now. This is, “God’s country”, It’s a local call.’

American by birth – A Southerner by the grace of God!

In my roaming around on different websites and the newsletters that I receive, once in a while something really pops out. In an article on the decline of the dinosaurs, I was amazed that less time separates us from Tyrannosaurus than separates Tyrannosaurus from another dinosaur family!

The focus on the extinction event also obscures the breathtakingly long nature of the dinosaurs’ reign. It invites us to think that all the dinosaurs we’re familiar with were around at the same time, and then suddenly they weren’t. That’s not true: as Brian Switek says, less time separates us from Tyrannosaurus than separated Tyrannosaurus from Stegosaurus. If anything, Sakomoto’s study, in revealing the dinosaurs’ slow decline, reminds us about just how long they ruled for—a period of 180 million years, during which many species came and went.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: “Are – My – Test – Results – Back?”

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. 

The Russians used a pencil. 

Your taxes are due again – enjoy paying them.

*You know how to polka, but never tried it sober

*You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.

*You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the church & reception.

*You know the difference between Green and Red farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!

*You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

*You spent more on beer and liquor than you did on food at your wedding

*You hear someone use the word “oof-dah” and you don’t break into uncontrollable laughter.

*You or someone you know was a “Dairy Princess” at the county fair.

*You know that “combine” is a noun.

*You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.

*You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

*You know that “creek” rhymes with “pick”.

*Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.

*There was at least one, if not several, in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning.

*You have driven your car on the lake.

*You can make sense of “upnort,” “bat-tree” and “warrssh.”

*Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.

*Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

*The local gas station sells live bait.

*At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan & Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By “The Rev Jesse Jackson” & “The Rev Al Sharpton”
______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
____________________________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
____________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
__________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell
______________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
_______________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson &  Casey Anthony
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
___________________________________________

MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And foreword by Tiger Woods with John Edwards
____________________________________________________

HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
___________________________________________________

AND, JUST ADDED:

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
________________________________________________________

And the shortest book of them all…………………..

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama

There was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco recently.  Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
 
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café.  When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.  How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?
 
Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds. The group debated the problem and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
 
“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper.”
 
But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted. “Oh, sorry about that.” She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
 
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
 
Kind of reminds you of Washington, D.C., doesn’t it?

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.

“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. 
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven…

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil smiles at him and says, 

“Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted..”