1.         The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

2.         When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

3.         I don’t mean to interrupt people, but I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

4.         I thought growing old would take longer.

5.         It’s weird being the same age as old people.

6.         I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do. 

7.         Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

8.         If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

9.         Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and think… “That can’t be accurate.?!

10.       I see people out there zip lining and mountain climbing and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

11.       Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

12.       If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

13.       We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages…Metamucil and Ensure.

14.       You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

15.       Weight loss goal:  To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

16.       After watching how some people wear their masks I understand why contraception fails.

17.       Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

18.       For those of you that don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.

19.       I just got a present labeled, From Mom and Dad, and you know damn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.

20.       Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.

21.       Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…..Turn Signals.

22.       The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion it has taken place.

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates ~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected ~ Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office ~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.~ Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.~ Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.~ Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.~ Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.~ John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.~ Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country ~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.~ Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.~ Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators.~ Will Rogers~

A bonus and one of my favorites – Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain-

• He gave his father “the talk”
• His passport requires no photograph
• When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
• Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
• His Cinco de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
• His feet don’t get blisters, but his shoes do
• He once went to the psychic, to warn her
• If he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank him
• Whatever side of the tracks he’s currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he’ll still be on the right side
• He can speak Russian… in French
• He never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken
• Superman has pajamas with his logo
• His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
• The circus ran away to join him
• Bear hugs are what he gives bears
• He once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds
• When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
• His friends call him by his name, his enemies don’t call him anything because they are all dead
• He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool
• If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark
• He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
• He can kill two stones with one bird
• His signature won a Pulitzer
• When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
• He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
• The dark is afraid of him
• Sharks have a week dedicated to him
• His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
• No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
• He once made a weeping willow laugh
• He lives vicariously through himself
• His business card simply says ‘I’ll Call You”
• He once taught a German shepherd how to bark in Spanish
• He bowls overhand
• In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
• He is allowed to talk about the fight club
• He once won a fist fight, only using his beard
• He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle

#1:  Cars Were Colorful!  Most cars these days look fairly bland, but in the 50’s, our cars were big, bright, and fun!

#2.  We Got Dressed Up for Birthday Parties.  And sometimes there was even a pony there!

#3:  We Played in the Streets:  We didn’t have to text our friends back in the day – we’d all just come outside and get to playing!  Who was a two-sewer slugger?

#4:  Gas Was Very Cheap:  On some days, it was only $0.20 a gallon, and beyond that, the people at the station could fix just about anything!

#5:  The Ben Franklin 5-10 Was Everything:  We loved going to these stores.  They had just about anything and everything you could think of. So did Woolworth, Kresge and J.C. Penny!

#6:  If it Wasn’t the Ben Franklin, it was the A&P!

#7: Our Skates Got “Locked” with a Key.  They were also made almost entirely of metal and very hard to skate on!

#8:  The Drive-In Was The Place to Be:  This 1950’s photo from South Bend, Indiana, shows how popular they were!

#9:  Car Seats Were More Like Couches:  That’s right – they were big, long, and you could slide all the way across!  How about that Jane Russell bra!

#10:  The Freezer Actually Had to be DEFROSTED!:  That’s right, every now and then you’d have to manually defrost the freezer – sometimes it took all day – with a lot of scraping!

#11:  Grandma Let Us Do Everything.  Well, maybe that hasn’t changed so much, but we LOVED eating off the beaters!

#12:  Sometimes Your Food Came On Roller Skates!  Certain restaurants had “roller girls” who would zoom your food out to you!

#13:  We got DOWN at the Sock Hop!  And sweet 16 parties!

#14:  Sunday Drives Were A Thing:  On Sunday, many of us would load up the family car and just go cruising over to the neighbors or just around town!

#15:  There Was One TV.  And, surprise, we didn’t argue all night about who should get to watch their favorite show.  Most of the time, we all liked the same shows!

#16:  The Playgrounds were VERY Different:  At recess, we’d swing from the monkey bars with wild abandon and often even stand on the swings and go as high as possible.  And still, we survived!

#17:  TV Had “Sign Off” Messages.  Remember these?  TV would go off at midnight and sometimes even go as far as playing the National Anthem all night.

#18: Just One Hula Hoop Wasn’t Enough:  Some of us could do multiple at a time!

#19:  We didn’t Text, But We Did Pass Notes!  And we were experts at not getting caught!  Check out the shoes!

#20:  We Had Xylophones That We Kept on a Pull String.  There was nothing like the Pull a Tune!

#21:  We Got Bottled Cokes and Loved Them: No cans or plastic bottles back then.  We were 100% excited when we’d find a cooler like this to get that ice-cold bottle!

Those Were The Days, My Friends!

They’re Back!  Those wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank God for the church ladies with computers.  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’. The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up —

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were in favor of it

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.  He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the salesperson, “How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean?”  “We have, work out Barbie for $19.95, shopping Barbie for $19.95, beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, astronaut Barbie for $19.95, skater Barbie for$19.95, and divorced Barbie for $265.95”.

The amazed father asks: “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s truck, Ken’s house, Ken’s fishing boat, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s dog, Ken’s computer, one of Ken’s friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.”

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight. – Milton Berle

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six. – Yogi Berra

I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four. -Yogi Berra

He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious. – Yogi Berra

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. – Phyllis Diller

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. – Red Skelton

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable. – Jackie Gleason

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. – Robin Williams

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. – George Burns